When you blame others, you give up your power to change
Are you more likely to own up to your mistakes or play the blame game when something goes wrong? Most of us are sharp to point fingers and play the blame game. It’s much more comfortable to blame others or circumstances than to take full responsibility for our actions. It’s also easier to blame others for our actions rather than take a deeper look at why we made the blunder and face possible consequences — at work or in personal relationships. Blame shifting takes less work and is less emotionally taxing — at least in the moment.
“Blame is a defence mechanism,” as it helps us preserve our sense of esteem or pride by evading awareness of our issues. It protects us from criticism, negative consequences, attention, and whatever we are afraid of or helps us stay in denial that we are, in fact, the ones who are making mistakes. We usually use this as a tool when we are in attack mode. Sometimes deep-rooted negative experiences from our childhood predispose us to act that way.
Blaming others feels good, which is the hidden payoff of the victim mentality. I used to blame everybody but myself. And it felt good, which is the secret payoff of the victim mentality. It relieved me of responsibility and put all the fault onto the world. But that’s not what happens. The baggage of blame does not leave us. We never indeed will be able to leave it. Unless we take responsibility, that baggage will remain on our chests forever. That is what happens with most of the coping mechanisms of the ego. They feel relatable and comfortable at the moment. They make us feel familiar. And the price that we pay for it is that we never change. We will never be fully able to let go of the baggage of the past and the burden of blame. When I realized my happiness was in my hands, I dropped the luggage of guilt.
The victim mentality cannot survive in the light of self-love because you will not allow yourself to feel bad because of things that happened years ago. You will prioritize your peace over what has happened or what will happen. It will make you feel satisfied with yourself. Victim mentality is rooted in the lack of the world that’s not not giving you what you want. The universe is against you, and so on. We already know that what we focus on stays in your reality. So whatever you feel yourself to be a victim of continues to make you its victim unless you drop this baggage. Become uninterested in the narrative of that victim. Inside, you tell it that I don’t care about what happened, what is happening and what will happen. Because what no longer serves me is no longer a topic of interest to me. You refuse that narrative, and you will feel liberated. It will make you insanely free. You will feel as though nothing can truly bring you down because you’re bulletproof, simply because you have taken the responsibility of making yourself happy. So the external world slowly fades away into the background.
You start to look at things differently. You begin to choose the best for you and others. And trust me, it is the best feeling in the world. In the past, I used to blame God for all my misfortunes because of the teaching that God is the most merciful and benevolent, but real-world experience has made me realize that this is not quite how it all works. Terrible things will happen under the umbrella of the most loving and kind God, which is why I started looking for answers about how reality works and God works. And guess what? It made sense because Infinite will precisely give us whatever we focus on. Words don’t matter. If you pray for more money while you are focused on lack, you will get more lack.
Infinite responds to your feeling or state of being, not your words. So we got what we were focusing on, which is lack. So there is no one to blame but ourselves, but let’s change the word blame to change. There is no one to change but the self. It is knowing from application and experience. You can run around and try to change people and circumstances, and you will get nowhere. Nothing really will change unless you change yourself. Then you become dangerously free, almost imperturbable. Because once you have the cheat code to this life, you can have anything, experience anything, and be anyone by simply changing your inner world. That gives you complete dominion over your life. So you’re truly the expression of the infinite in the state of being because this is the whole point of this existence.
But blame separates us from our true selves. We become little human beings with no control whatsoever, which is a sad state to be in. I have been there, and it almost crushed me. You can’t seem to find any way out. Because how can you if the infinite is against you? So it plays out exactly that way in your reality, and there is no way out. The only way out is again to change yourself. Try to encourage the thoughts of freedom in your mind. It is the antidote to a victim mentality. Freedom is our most innate desire. We want freedom above all else, and we seek freedom from the victim mentality as well. We cannot see it in that state of being in lack but when we take responsibility for our life. Things begin to work. You start getting the things you always wanted. And those things aren’t even that important to you anymore because the freedom you feel inside you and your body and mind is the best manifestation of this mindset shift.
Now, how do we deal with blamers? When someone starts blaming us for everything, we should critically scrutinise the thought that we are being blamed for everything.Write down various ways in which you are being blamed and how it is affecting your life. Weigh the pros and cons of dissociating from that person or making the other person aware of it. Instead of bottling up the hostile feelings rising inside us, we should seek out a trusted confidant to help us sort out our thoughts and feelings and consider ways to avoid such toxic relationships in the future. Further, one should take time for introspection and look out for patterns that are attracting such behaviour from others or inciting such behaviour in others and change the assumptions or prejudices or judgements that we are harbouring in our minds that are eliciting others to behave in such ways or detect such patterns in others who are inflicting blame on us, understand them and stay away from them.
Blaming others makes people around us start resenting us or even walk away from us. Another outcome of blaming could be the loss of communication or trust. People who get accused may avoid communicating to prevent having to experience getting blamed. When you point a finger, five fingers point at you, leading to loss of self-esteem, feelings of worthlessness, and even permanent emotional damage. Depending on your situation, you might end up losing friendships, relationships, or jobs. Blaming could also lead to loneliness and abandonment as the people you blame could leave and never return.
Finally, believing we are victims will take us nowhere and prove harmful to our growth. If all we do is believe we are a victim, we will have nothing to change or improve. In other words, we will believe that we are perfect the way we are and will not change. The circumstances or the people we blame have neither any clue that we are blaming them nor do they care. We turn out to be prisoners of our loathing and grow into resentful old individuals. It may be convenient to blame others for our unhappiness because it delivers us some instant gratification. Still, by repudiating our faults, we are, in the long run, stopping ourselves from achieving our true potential.
Dr. K. Jayanth Murali is an IPS Officer belonging to 1991 batch. He is borne on Tamil Nadu cadre. He lives with his family in Chennai, India. He is currently serving the Government of Tamil Nadu as Director General of Police, Idol Wing CID.
